Things I never thought that I would say:
- I got poop in my mouth
- I’m sorry doctor, I think I have pinkeye, because while I was changing my daughter’s diaper she pooted in my eye!
In case you don’t know what a “poot” is, it’s a toot with a slight bit of poop, which also happens to be what HIT MY EYE! Yes, it’s true I had to go to the eye doctor because shortly after M. pooted, my eye swelled up. It was angry. Luckily, it was not pinkeye, but I still had to tell the story to my eye doctor so he could know why I thought I had pinkeye.
Here’s the thing about babies: they are highly pressurized creatures and anytime something has to evacuate their systems, whether it be from the top or the bottom, it does so with explosive force. And stuff just goes flying. One moment you’re admiring your white walls, the next you’re cleaning a poopy Pollock painting from your walls. I knew changing diapers was dangerous business, because she had pooped mid diaper change before. In fact, one time she shot from the changing table to the hallway, and that was a good three feet. This sort of thing is amazing because babies are so small and cute, and it’s that combination that makes them so dangerous.
You forget while looking at their angelic little faces that they’re really just loaded weapons bound to poop, pee, sneeze snot, or spit up all over you. It’s almost as though babies are hardwired to attack when you least want them to. Take for instance if you’re on your way to a meeting or dressed up nice for a date. They’ll look up to you with their sweet little faces, manipulating you into holding them one last time before leaving, “Oh, do you like the outfit you’re wearing today? I like it too, in fact I like it so much I’m going to make it mine.” Next think you know it’s covered in baby slime. And now, not only have they marked their territory, they’ve also managed to get at least another five minutes with you while you’re trying to get out the door!
One day I was changing M’s diapers and I noticed a little bit of something on her little bottom. I couldn’t quite figure out if it was a freckle or maybe a piece of dirt that wasn’t coming off. So, leaned in to inspect it—this was a very bad idea, one should NEVER put their face within an inch of the poo launching pad—next thing I knew my face was next to her bottom and I heard her toot, and air hit my face! I quickly backed away and screamed, which of course scared her, so she started to scream. There we were both in a panic, me because she tooted IN MY EYE, and she because I had screamed. I picked her up from the changing table (after putting a new diaper on her of course) and hugged her to let her know everything was okay.
The next day I woke up and my eye was bright red, itchy, and oh so angry. I decided to wait a day or two to see if it was just a coincidence that my eye was revolting the day after the pooting incident. When it didn’t go away, I called the eye doctor to make an appointment. When I went in the tech asked for me to explain why I thought I had pinkeye.
Here’s a pro-tip: When you explain parenting mishaps to people that don’t have kids their reactions aren’t always understanding. In fact, sometimes they’re just flat out disgusted. This was one of those times the person was disgusted. She looked at me like I was a horrible person, and that I had just told her I tried to eat worms and cute kittens the day before.
When the doctor came in, I had to tell him the same story, because of course he also wanted to know what had happened. Luckily, he had a set of twins and wasn’t at all surprised to hear this story. Something tells me, he’s experienced the pooting before in his life, too.
Why am I sharing this story? Because I want to save you from losing an eye (or your pride). So if you ever need to inspect a baby’s bottom, wear eye protection.