I would like to lie and say that I am a lady, and since I am a lady I do not swear. But THAT right there, that part where I’d say that I don’t swear would be a lie. A giant lie. Hello, my name is Bianca and there are times that I cuss like a sailor or a Tarentino film. Or rather, I used to do that. Now I have kids and I have to get creative.
The ironic part about having kids and cussing is that kids will expose you to new levels of frustration that will make you want to EXPLODE verbally. You will want to go through the cuss word dictionary and scream every single word from the tops of your lungs, but you can’t. Why is that? Because kids are parrots. They will repeat everything, and not only will they repeat everything they’ll add their own spin to it. Take for example my eldest daughter, Madeline. Cute, sweet, not-so-innoccent Madeline. The other day I was on the phone with my sister telling her about our fence. I may have said something about my husband and her grandfather possibly not doing something right and not listening to what I told them when they rebuilt it last year. Later that evening we went over to my in-laws and one of the very first things out of her mouth was, “‘Buelo, why didn’t you and Daddy listen to Mommy and you not build the fence right? Why you do it wrong.” Uuuuuhhhhh *coughs* Welp, there was the Madeline bus and I was thrown right under.
So, during those times when your cute little angel happens to be in the full tilt fed-after-midnight-got-wet-gremlin mode, you need a way to express yourself that won’t make the public think you feed them reruns of Jerry Springer with a dash of Pulp Fiction, and Samuel L. Jackson for dessert. Here are some of my favorite ways to express my frustrations and overall curmudgeonliness without getting in trouble:
When you want to say that you’re pissed off:
- That really frosts my cookies
- Bocce balls!
- Well, dippity-do-dah!
- NARF! [Madeline started watching Pinky and the Brain, and I just realized that NARF is a good one.]
- Holy mother of Moses [this one also works as a general exclamation]
- That just butters my biscuits
- Cheese and rice! [This one is great. “Cheese and rice! Just pick up your toys!!!”]
When you want to say son of a you-know-what or something like it:
- Son of a bee sting!
- Son of a nutcracker [Thank you, Elf!]
- Son of a gun!
- By the second star!
- Merlin’s beard!
- Thor’s hammer!
When you need an exclamation, or the f word:
- Holy banana pancakes
- Figgy pudding
- Fudge buckets
- Geeze Louise
- Alphie all taught us this next one, “OH FUUUUUDDDGGGEEEE” and for us, it really will be fudge. Because we can’t say the real word because kids.
Hopefully, this list will help you out the next you want to scream at your child or your boss. But I don’t recommend screaming at your boss, that could be bad.
If you have any creative swear words you’d like to share, please feel free to list them below!